Yet You are good.

There is no telling how many times I have sat down to try and write a blog since I have been home. I sit, I write one sentence, I blank, I exit the page. Obviously my motivation for blogging has been waning, and my source of blog-wisdom seems to have run dry. But today has been a different day.
Today I have become very sure of something - a lie that I have been walking with for some time now. There is some "empowering" idea that if God puts you in a situation, it is because He knows that you can handle it.
Because you can handle it.
You can handle it.
YOU.

For some reason, our culture believes that there is some inner strength that WE supply to ourselves. If we are in a situation, it is because WE can get through it, all by our little lonesome. Dependence is weakness, no need for help, I can do this all by myself.

Today I am confident of the big fat falsehood of this statement. Today, on the brink of tears, I know that my legs are too weak to keep a-movin'. Today I just can't.

If you will for a moment, let that imagination in your noggin get a little action. Today, covered in white paint, I sat in my kitchen working on the never-ending project of painting our kitchen. I was reaching over to cover the trim behind our microwave, and the thought came to mind "If God has you here, it's because you can do this." I literally laughed out loud. What a joke. I just think to myself, "If God thinks I can do this, I seriously doubt God's judgement." The reason that God has me in Ozark, Arkansas on September 6th painting my parents kitchen alone is not because He knows that I am the person for this job. As if He knows that I am spiritually mature enough to sit here, momentarily pulled out from the community that I love, watching my friends move on with their lives (some in the one place that I would give just about anything to be in), trapped inside four walls with no money to my name to get me out. As if God looked upon the Earth for a girl who would have the ability in her to be strong enough to make it through.

Am I the only one who sees a problem here?

Today, sitting in my kitchen, covered in paint, I realized, no, that girl isn't me. I am not the one for this job. I don't have the motivation to get up everyday and put on joy like a garment. I don't have the strength to walk in my identity today. I don't really feel like serving, loving, sacrificing. It isn't my priority if left to my strength, desires, dreams.

Today, I remember that I am human. Today, I look in the mirror at the same familiar face, and remember that I am weak. That I am in no way capable of running with endurance the race that has been marked out for me, if I am running on my own energy supply. Today, I laugh at my self-sustaining mindset that if I feel depressed, lonely, tired, beat-down, it is because God knows that I am strong.

Let's set the record straight, hey? Let's be real enough about God to know that He sees me in all of my disability and knows the weak heart that beats in my chest. I know this. I know who He knows me to be before I put on the identity of His son. There is some idea in my head that I have formed to think that because I have taken on the identity of Jesus that I have taken on the strength to go it alone. Where in the Bible does it tell me that Jesus was independent? Where does He break off from the source of Heaven and become the lone ranger? Who do I think I am to believe that I could possibly go it alone? Because I can't. Today, I can't walk one more moment of this path alone.

That is where my confidence comes from knowing that it cannot possibly be true that God puts his trust in our strength. That is why David told us in Psalm 146 not to put our trust in people who cannot save. Because we are weak, poor. It's in our nature. God trusts in His strength. He has full confidence in Himself, and I truly believe THAT is why He has brought me home for this season. Not because I can handle it; it's exactly the opposite. He knows that I cannot handle it, that I cannot stand firm, that I cannot keep my own head above the waves. I have found myself here on my knees, because here, kneeling at the foot of the cross, more out of weakness than surrender, is exactly where He sustains me. Where my rope ends, His starts. Where my flesh and my heart fail, His feet are firm and sure. He is an anchor. He is secure.

Today, I know that I can because His spirit is strong in me. My feet are firm held by His grace. My armor is securely fastened on by His patience and love. David knew that it was by His God that he could leap over a wall, that He could defeat armies, that He could outrun His enemies. He didn't have to enjoy it, he didn't have to like being pursued by Saul in the wilderness, he didn't have to happily leave his best friend's presence without assurance of ever seeing him again. He wept, he cried out to God, he didn't understand. And yet God was good in the midst of the trial.

And yet God is good in the midst of my trial. No, God, I don't like it. I don't want to be here in my physical location doing the things that I am doing, but I am continually joyful to know that exactly what I asked for from you is coming to fruition. I know that I have asked to grow, and I know that right here is where the growing happens. I know without a doubt that your ability, love, strength, might, will get me through this season. I will live in today, not letting my heart be faint by the thought of tomorrow. I will remember who you are in this moment, and who that allows me to be.

I have not been called to be strong in myself. I have not been appointed by God to be something that He knows I cannot be. I have been brought low, and how sweet it is to be low.

It was from the lion's den that Daniel experienced the power and glory of God. It was from the prison that Joseph was brought into promotion. It was from the altar that Isaac saw the provision of his God. It was from the cross that the veil was torn. It was from the tomb that my salvation has come.

I will rejoice in the place of weakness that I am in, not because I am able to walk through it easily, but because it is here that the arms of the Lord are seen clearly.

"Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9b