Love, Dad.

I guess realizing that for 18 years you knew you had a God who told you He was your father but never really realizing I am not an orphan is a little mind blowing.

I mean, lets be real, I have a heck of a family. My dad rocks on so many levels, my mom is a total superstar, and all 4 sisters just blow me out of the water. I never really thought I needed that Heavenly Dad. "He's only for the orphaned kids. The ones who had really bad dad's and don't understand what it's like to have a good dad." As if I was immune to the disease of this life. As if He was indifferent towards me because I "didn't need Him as bad". WOW.
I didn't get that He actually cared about the heartbreak I had suffered in my life. That He actually hurts for my hurts because He is my Dad. My Father. And that it's ok for me to acknowledge that I have been hurt even though it was different than other wounds people had suffered.

"Ha, Jo, how much of a jerk would you have to be to pretend like you've been wounded. Look at those other kids around you who have suffered cataclysmic pains in their lives. You have NO room to talk."
"Jo, get over yourself. You think you deserve that kind of a friendship from someone? You think it's ok for you to just approach them and think you deserve their love?"
"Well, I'm glad you don't think you're enough Jo, because you aren't. You can't even compete with the other girls out there. Guess you should just accept it because that's how it is."

For some reason, in my eyes these things were just acceptable because I could "get past them on my own". God was "indifferent to the lies satan was spoonfeeding me because I had a good dad who loved me and that was enough." How wrong. Somehow, the hardest part for me to grasp is that I grew up knowing that satan lies in these ways to us all the time. That he is just like that, but I didn't think that the lies he told me were enough to need help overcoming.

Here's the deal. I have been fed lie after lie after lie for so long that, even now that God has exposed those lies and called me out of them, it is still almost overwhelming to think that I was so entangled and that satan had such a hold in my life.
"But God.."

He says I'm enough. He says He doesn't need any talents or works I can offer to make me more worth it. He says Joanna Marie McCormick as she is is enough because Jesus makes me enough. He says when he looks at me, he sees beauty. Actually, let me just tell you what He told me through a song he wrote, through me, for me, and for every girl who has been told by the world that she isn't enough.

Beautiful princess
There was a voice in your life
Told you that everything that you were
Could never measure up
Up to what I see
 
But I'll remember quite clearly
The night you finally realized
Said "Daddy, could you help me?
Could you show me what you see,
Cause everything that I see
is broken."

Oh my daughter
I'm here to wage war on all of the lies
Cause I say that it's just about time you open your eyes

Everything from your head to your toes
The freckles on your nose
I paint even those
The sound of you singing
Your gentle heart beating
It's all what makes you worth it to me

Faith like a child
What a beautiful thing
But somewhere along the way
Somebody told you that you were too much for me

Oh my daughter
I'm here to wage war on all of the lies
Cause now I say that it's just about time you open your eyes

Everything from your head to your toes
The freckles on your nose
I paint even those
The sound of you singing
Your gentle heart beating
It's all what makes you worth it to me

Well, Dad could you show me
Cause I just don't see what you see
Well, darling, it's simple
When I see you I just see me

- I didn't know it, but this Jo, the one the world says needs to be different to be loved, is enough. She is worth it, and she is lovely. Isn't it great? Because that makes you worth it too, if only you'd let your heart be opened to it.

All in.

My dad and I were talking tonight, and he mentioned I should share the first God story that ignited my trip to New Zealand.

One spring night, my friend Amber and I were laying in a bed in my house talking. I had been feeling very discouraged about my future after high school, and I didn't seem to be getting any big florescent signs pointing anywhere at all.
"I just don't know what I'm going to do if YWAM doesn't work out," I said to her, "I just really don't have a peace about college this fall." I had been waiting on a reply for my application to YWAM Oxford New Zealand for several weeks, and I had dead lines for colleges coming up. At the time, I had already told John Brown University that I was unsure if I would be attending their college this fall, and I was running out of time to make a final decision. I remember thinking, I need something, God. Anything.
Two nights later I was standing in Subway, where I work, and they were just about to shut down for the night. One of the girls working, Erica, had previously done a YWAM DTS in Belize.
Side Note:
YWAM stands for Youth With a Mission, and DTS stands for Discipleship Training School. It is basically an organization that trains and sends people with a passion for God into the world to shout His name and share His love. If you want to find out what this is all about, go to www.ywam.org.

Anyway, we were standing in Subway, and my phone sounded the alert that I had just received an email. Now, I only got this sound when an email came to my account that I used solely for applications to college and YWAM. I remember hearing it, and my heart sped up a little. Lord, I need something. I opened the email, and there it was, my acceptance to YWAM Oxford. At first I jumped up and down, screaming at my friend who had previously done YWAM, and both of us freaked out a little.. ok a lot. My next reaction was, oh my lanta, how is this possibly going to happen? At the time both of my parents were out of state. I called them to tell them what had happened. My dad didn't even know I had applied! I guess I really didn't think I was going to get in! haha.

The next day I was sitting in class, and my mind went straight to DTS. Lord, if this is what you have for me, let's do it, but I need a whoooole lot of money and I need a check in the mail when I get home. I need to start this now. I remember getting home from school, and looking at that mailbox and really knowing this was it. I opened the mailbox, and right there was the check I had won for some talent show I got second place in. Not a day sooner, not a day later. That check arrived right on time, and right on time to pay for my first fee: my application fee, which happened to be 50 dollars, the exact amount of my check.

Guys, God is real. From having to go all in and have 2300 dollars to buy a plane ticket and having almost exactly that and enough left over for me to live off of until my next pay check, to needing a pack and being provided with the exact backpack I wanted from my sister, a backpack that had been passed by by customers for months because it didn't fit them right (guess who it happens to fit perfectly??) I don't care what your circumstances are or who you are or how long you've been running from Him. God is absolutely real and He is ready to take you on the ride of your life, if you're willing. It has not been easy waiting on Him. Believe me, I have 2 months until I leave and still somewhere between 3,000 and 5,000 dollars to raise. But as big as that dollar amount is, my God will always be bigger and more powerful. Whatever leap of faith you are so terrified to take, make the choice to throw back the chains of fear and run full speed towards Him. It's eternally worth it, and you might just have a few adventures along the way.

I guess they call this part of life, "Growing Up"

As I was leaving my sister Jen's house a few weeks ago, I was walking out along the driveway to my car. I turned to see that her daughter (my niece) Marin had followed me out. Marin is literally 5 going on 25. She is so smart. SO FUNNY. I turned as I was getting into my little white Honda and yelled out, "Love you!". She turned around and looked at me, said "Love you too, Aunt Jo!". I swear to you in that instant, I almost cried. Haha, as ridiculously dramatic as that sounds, I just began to think that this little girl, who was still inside of her mommy when we moved to Arkansas 5 years ago, was growing up so fast. 5 years have passed by remarkably quickly, and I suddenly had this familiar ache realizing that the 5 years I have had with this girl I had taken so for granted. I have lived in the same town as the little peanut for her whole life, and as it may not devastate her to say goodbye to me in the fall, it will be a real trial for me to face. She is so smart, so tall, so funny, so innocent. 6 months when you are 5 years old means you will develop 10 times the vocabulary, grow 3 feet, start on your career path. Haha, maybe that's only a little dramatic. But still, here I am standing in Jen's driveway and this flood of emotions comes on me and I realize that all I can do is lay them in the Lords hands and remember that it is HE who is guiding me on my journey to New Zealand this fall, and it is HE who has planned my life.

As the summer has gone on, I have begun to realize how many endings have passed or are quickly approaching. I know this is the cliche that everyone must be so tired of, but honestly, HOW could it have already been over 10 years since I was first a camper at Camp Barakel? How could it have been 5 years since I stepped out of the moving truck that held countless years of Michigan memories, which were then ending to start a whole new chapter of Arkansas stories? How could I be this girl now, a girl with 18 years worth of memories and challenges and achievements? I guess you could say this is a typical post-graduate blog, but I just can't help but reminisce for a moment.

I remember being a staff-kid at Camp Barakel, sitting at the tables in the East Side Dining Hall, passing Hannah Ford a note I had put meticulous artistic work into with a very memorable phrase written on the inside. "Will you be my best friend?" it read. How blessed I have been these 18 years that every trial and tear and laugh and joy we have been through, we have gone through together. But how could I forget my first soccer practice with Hannah's younger sister, Natalie, who little did I know would become one of the dearest people in the world to me. Or dressing up poor Daniel Douglas in the only clothes my family of sisters ever had for dress-up: dresses. He was always a trooper and amazingly did not hold those days of dress up against us, and decided to become such a partner in crime to Hannah, Natalie, and I. I will never forget watching my sisters pack up their belongings and haul it into camp for the summer to become technicians, always planning with excitement the day that would come when I got to take their place and back up my stuff into the back of Dad's patchwork of a pickup truck, the Beast, and move into camp for the summer, only to find out that God's plan is not always our plan. I traded summers of Teching in camp for long, hilarious nights with my Arkansas friends, Church camp with some of the best friends I can imagine, long, hot drives to Michigan for a few weeks of the old life, and always the first days of school in August at Ozark High School. And as much as I would have said 5 years ago that I would have given anything to spend those summers at camp, God knew where he was putting me, and he gave me some of the best memories a girl can ask for while I have been down here in Arkansas. I have been blessed beyond anything I deserve, from the times Amber Hicks and I would fly around Ozark on our bikes all summer long, the times Vinci Chan and I have wanted to keel over during our crossfit class, the times I laughed so hard that I cried while riding on the band bus after football games, the times I have been privileged to lead worship at my church, or the times I wanted so badly to make that shot in basketball. I have been blessed beyond reason.

The summer will pass quickly, and before I know it I will be on a plane headed for New Zealand. What an unexpected adventure the Lord has placed before me, and what a joy it will be to turn the page in my life and take another step. I guess you could say it's all bittersweet. This fall we will say goodbye to my sister and her family as they embark on a journey to England with the Lord for 3 years. I will watch my niece Marin blow out the candles on her 4th year and say hello to 5, Ava will turn 4, June will turn 3, and Sadie and William will be 1. How blessed I am to be an aunt to so many little peanuts. :)

I am so thankful to you all for the way you have encouraged my trip to New Zealand. I couldn't be more excited. You all have played such important roles in God's plan for my future.

Since I obviously can't end this with some corny goodbye, as I have to save those for September, I can end it with a verse, which will always make an appropriate ending. I will hold this verse as a promise from my Savior, that though it will never be easy for me to say goodbye to people and places, He is powerful and will accomplish infinitely more in my feeble, unimpressive life than I could ever imagine.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." - Ephesians 3:20

Fearless

Can you believe it's already almost 2013?! We made it through 12/21/12. Imagine that one.

So looking back on 2012, I can almost say that I have a little satisfaction with my year. So much has happened. Got accepted to my first choice college. Got my first car. Started a new job. Flew in an airplane alone.
In 2012, my team mate and friend Candace went to be with our Savior. Hard as that experience has been for a lot of us, I want to share with you how it has taught me.
For about a month after it happened, I didn't even want to leave the house for fear of coming home and something having happened to my family. It terrified me. I'm still dealing with that problem. But after a while, I don't really know when, I decided something. I decided that in 2012 I wanted to face my fears. Candace was fearless, I swear. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind. Wasn't afraid to try anything. And it inspired me. I am a pretty fearful person. I don't like facing fears, don't like stepping out of my comfort zone. But this year, I really did. For the first time.
First of all, I gave blood. I am TERRIFIED of giving blood. Something about it just makes me CRAZY. It always has. But I couldn't be happier that I did, and I got the shirt to prove it ;) Not only that but I plan on doing it again this spring.
Then, I asked my own prom date to prom. Haha, that's kind of an embarrassing one to admit, but I did it and prom was a lot of fun and I'm so glad that I did.
Next, I rode a roller coaster for the first time and it was so much fun. SO MUCH. I screamed the whole time but it was the best, and I kept on riding them. I'm a roller coaster junkie now. ;)
This summer I rode an airplane by myself. That was a big step for me. First of all, it involved leaving Arkansas and leaving my family for 3 weeks to go to Michigan, which in itself terrified me, because at that time I hadn't left them for that long since Candace had passed. It was incredibly difficult, but man God is great and he taught me a lot through it. To get home, I had to ride an airplane on standby by myself. Now, if any of you have ever flown on standby, you know how touch and go it is. There is never a guarantee that you will get a seat, and man, I sure will have stories about that to tell my kids :). On my last leg of the trip I got stuck in St. Louis for 9 hours watching my flights go by until finally, on the last flight of the day, I got on. However, during the day I was sitting at a table after I had had a pity party and cried for an hour because I wanted to be home so badly, and my friend Amber had been waiting to pick me up in Little Rock all day for me. I was just sitting there reading my bible when a man came and sat down with me while he waited for his flight. Seriously, he was the most precious old man. We talked about God for about an hour, talked about life. It was fantastic. He even added me to his prayer list. :) He was such a sweetheart, and I will NEVER forget that trip.
Another fear was probably the biggest of this year. I went on a mission trip to Dallas, and while on the trip, the Lord convicted me that I needed to quit basketball. That was the thing I was most terrified to do. I knew people wouldn't understand. I was scared that I would just go back to being that loser girl. I was so scared. But because of my God's sweet faithfulness, He gave me the grace to give it up. It's still something I struggle with, but I am so glad that I listened.
Haha, this one is a little goofy, but it still happened! When school was about to start, I heard that my school's band needed another bass drummer. Haha, our band director is kind of terrifying before ya know him, and I had NEVER played a drum. But I figured, what the hey, and I joined. It has been so much fun. I've gotten to spend the year with my best friends and it's been so hilariously fun.
On of my biggest fears of all time was singing in front of people. I faced this fear twice this year.
The first time was when I sang the national anthem at a basketball game on senior night. Man, I was shaking for that night. Then I sang two songs at the choir variety show. You talk about nervous. I basically forgot how to breathe for a few minutes, haha.

Some of the other things I did this year were smaller or whatever, but to me, they were like overcoming the world. I am so glad that I chose to live without fear this year. Obviously, there are still things that I wish I would have done, but I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to do this. No matter if something or someone inspires you to do this for a year, I would seriously encourage you to do it. Face every fear you can and just live. I have so many new memories because I chose to not let my fear dominate my life anymore. Whoever you are, whatever you're scared of, face it. It frees your spirit.
Go skydiving.
Forgive someone.
Learn how to surf.
Join a club.
Tell everyone you love that you love them.
Visit another country.
Take a roadtrip.
Be proud of yourself.
Trust God with you're life, guys. Put it in His hands and get ready for the ride of your life.
Candace, thank you for being fearless. Thanks for being real always. I miss you.
"Being fearless isn't being 100% unafraid. It's being completely terrified and jumping anyway."
Happy new year, everyone.

Once was lost.

WELL it's been a few ages since I last blogged. Haven't had much to say I suppose. But I do now.

People really don't like Christians.
They don't like to feel wrong.
They don't like to feel judged.
They don't want to hear that there is an alternative to Heaven.
They don't like our churches.
They don't like our values.
They don't want us to say anything.
They want us to mess up.
They like it when we don't stand up for anything.
They will do anything to point fingers at our failures.
They just really don't like us.
And a lot of their reason's are pretty valid.
We point fingers.
We judge.
We mess up.
We claim to have a loving God when horrible things have happened to them.
I think if I didn't understand my faith I really wouldn't like me either. Honestly guys? We really don't give them a huge reason to like us. How many times have we ignored someone because they aren't in our crowd? How many times have we pointed fingers at others when we should have been pointing it at ourselves?
How many times have we repaid evil with evil? An eye for an eye? Refusing to turn the other cheek?
We claim to live by all these principles. By stating that we are Christians, we are putting an open Bible in front of us and saying that we live by it, but we don't. We don't even try. It's such a waste of time. Of glory. Of Jesus.
When we claim to be Christians, we claim His sacrifice and post it in our lives front yard. We pack up the kids for Sunday church and we keep a bible on the bookshelf and we wear WWJD bracelets and we lead VBS and we do all this stuff but it's such crap, because it's all a show. Unfortunately, people who aren't Christians see right through it. Seriously, ask any one of them. They see it and they laugh on the inside and then they throw it in our faces and we're all like, "dude, I'm not perfect! I'm a sinner but Jesus saved me," which is totally accurate BUT IT'S ALL A WASTED LIE WHEN YOU USE IT AS A FALL BACK. Yes, Jesus sure did save us, but not so that we can go and use it as a  barbed wire fence around our stupid lives that we can freely go in and out of and choose when we want to use His sacrifice and coverage from God's wrath. Jesus isn't a bomb shelter to use only when times get rough.

Quit this stupid cycle. Refuse to follow the patterns of this world. REFUSE to give them a reason to look at you and say that your life is a lie.
Hey, you're gonna mess up. But when you do it's not some light stuff. Screw ups and failures and sins and stupid moves separate us from God. They take us and put us on one side of the Grand Canyon and God on the other. It's not some joke to be used and it's not some sacrifice to abuse. When Jesus was hanging bloody, scarred, broken on the cross, I am positively sure that His thought process did not include, "Ok, I'm dying so that they can have an excuse to sin and not feel bad about it. This will totally work out and I'll just get them off the hook for everything because they are awesome."
Jesus died so that we didn't have to be separated from God anymore.
If your brother gave his life for you so that you could be free from slavery, would you just go back to being a slave because it was easier than trying to go find your way in an unfamiliar world?
No, you wouldn't. You would turn and run as fast as you could to live your free life.
"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." - Galatians 5:1

"So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from His perspective." - Colossians 3:1-2

In your shoes.

This life is crazy. fast. beautiful. hard. I love this life. I love my Savior. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my school. I love my church. But most of all my Savior. He makes things so much more beautiful. He puts the color in my world. I LOVE JESUS!!!
Man, I just feel like screamin' it.
Anyway.

School's back. Crazy, huh? I'm a SENIOR. That's nuts.

To my Sophomores:
Kids, us upperclassmen may call you names or joke with ya, but we do love you. You are gonna be in our position in just 2 short years that go by way faster than you can even imagine. I still remember being so scared I wanted to cry when I walked into those big glass doors of the Ozark High School, thinking, HOLY MOLY I'm gonna die. I didn't want to grow up or be in a building with those mean old seniors ;) Much less make any sort of stand for Christ. I was the bottom of the totem pole, and I decided it would be best to accept my role as a church Christian, but forget about doing it all at school. That was too scary. But let me tell you guys, I was so wrong. Were any of you guys to make a stand for our mighty God, I would be blown away, IN A GOOD WAY! I want so badly for you guys to step out of your comfort zones and take a giant leap of faith for His name. Don't be afraid guys! That's not only going to be a huge blessing to yourself in the end, it would bless all of our hearts to such extents, you couldn't even fathom. If I could go back and be the kid that wasn't afraid to share my faith in those halls, I would do it in a heartbeat. Please, if you never hear a word your teachers say this year, hear this: don't be afraid to be an all-around Christian because of what the older or other kids in this school will think. GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN OUR PETTY OPINIONS! He matters so much more, and if you ever feel yourself lost in the crowd, scared to stand out and find your identity in Christ, grab my very long arm in the hallway and drag me to where I can hear you above the noise, and talk. I'll listen. Whatever it is. I don't care if I'm late for class or can't go to the bathroom. Your relationship with Christ is more important. Don't be afraid to spill those emotions you've been holding in so long. It's time to define that awesome relationship with Christ you've been searching for, no matter who you are.
-

To my juniors:
Jeez, seems like I was in your shoes like, yesterday. Junior year is a tough year, I'll be honest about that. Teachers will be tough, friendships may fall through. I know there were a lot of tears for me last year. But that's just life. If you come to a point in this year when you just don't want to make it another day, like I said earlier, come find me. I don't care who you are or if I don't know you. I have ears and a Savior that loves the both of us and am always willing to listen.
I know the sophomores were close to Candace Harvey as well, but you were her class. And I've come to find out that classes at Ozark kind of become families. No, she won't be walking down that hallway with you everyday, and yes it's gonna hurt. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. But I will tell you this: the Candace I know would NOT want you being miserable. She would want you to carry on, even when it's hard, even when the days are long. I love you guys so much, and know she did too. Finish this race strong for her. That's what she would want.

To my seniors:
Woah. I can't believe I've been here 5 years now, with you guys. Crazy how just that long ago you were all making fun of my northern accent. Now my Northern friends make fun of my Southern accent. I've learned a lot from you guys. Like what it means to pull together when tragedy strikes. Like what it means to be there for each other. What it means to really be a friend. I'm very proud to finish my highschool years with this class. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you guys. You have meant so much to me these past years. You welcomed me in and loved me and helped me. I can't say thank you enough for it.
I know we have this year ahead of us, but it's gonna fly by, and I just want to encourage you with this:
God has better and far more wonderful plans for you than you can make for yourself. Let Him make your story. Ups and downs, it'll all be worth it. He's so much better. Than anything. I know that for a fact. Please, please, please, just don't forget how wonderful He is. And let's finish this thing strong.

just be.

Nah, I'm no author. But I do have some words. A lot of people are afraid to be open. honest. real. I have something to say to the people out there that are just sad, but don't have any words to say that they are. that are afraid to be honest about being upset. It's okay to be sad. Ok? It's alright. Sometimes I'm sad too. Sometimes it's okay to lay on your bed and cry. pout. be afraid. feel pain. It's okay to be that way. I know I have this amazing life, full of God's blessings, but sometimes I'm sad too. Lately, I have been missing God. I have this hurt inside me because I don't feel him near. It's okay to be hurt. But God's always there. I know He is. I know that He is looking over my shoulder as I type this. But sometimes I feel like He's miles away. speaking to others but passing me by. I know that's not true. I that He's here. But sometimes it doesn't seem like it. Sometimes I have to take a deep breathe and remind myself that I'm still here. Sometimes I have to go underwater and be completely absent of thought and world and life and just imagine that the green tint of the water is all there is. Sometimes I have to scream it out. Sometimes I have to let the tears pour out onto my pillows just because. Sometimes I have to drive. Sometimes I have to just be Jo. Just this girl who wanders through life. I have a purpose. but sometimes I forget.

I miss Candace. A lot. It's hard for me to say that sometimes. Sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes I smile because I remember her. I wish she was still here. I think if she was still here I wouldn't be sad so much now. But she wouldn't want me to be sad. She would want me to live. Really live. fearlessly. unconditionally. bravely. largely. but sometimes it's scary to live that way.

Sometimes I'm scared of the dark. failure. people. heights. fear. hurt. life. living. remembering. going to sleep. leaving. losing.
 But life goes on. Being afraid. lonely. hurt. angry. it's okay. it's okay to be those things. Sometimes it stinks to be that way. but life goes on.  
Be sad. Be alive. Feel it. really feel it.  
go drive to somewhere you've never been 
face your fears 
eat something that really grosses you out 
find a new favorite song 
ride your bike at 3 in the morning 
ride a horse 
start a garden 
sew a quilt 
enter a spelling bee 
shoot a firework 
camp out under the stars without a tent 
leave a random kind note in someones mailbox 
dream 
buy your best friend a present 
value every second 
be alive 
truly alive 
be sad 
happy 
lost 
angry 
joyful 
confused
just be.