Yet You are good.

There is no telling how many times I have sat down to try and write a blog since I have been home. I sit, I write one sentence, I blank, I exit the page. Obviously my motivation for blogging has been waning, and my source of blog-wisdom seems to have run dry. But today has been a different day.
Today I have become very sure of something - a lie that I have been walking with for some time now. There is some "empowering" idea that if God puts you in a situation, it is because He knows that you can handle it.
Because you can handle it.
You can handle it.
YOU.

For some reason, our culture believes that there is some inner strength that WE supply to ourselves. If we are in a situation, it is because WE can get through it, all by our little lonesome. Dependence is weakness, no need for help, I can do this all by myself.

Today I am confident of the big fat falsehood of this statement. Today, on the brink of tears, I know that my legs are too weak to keep a-movin'. Today I just can't.

If you will for a moment, let that imagination in your noggin get a little action. Today, covered in white paint, I sat in my kitchen working on the never-ending project of painting our kitchen. I was reaching over to cover the trim behind our microwave, and the thought came to mind "If God has you here, it's because you can do this." I literally laughed out loud. What a joke. I just think to myself, "If God thinks I can do this, I seriously doubt God's judgement." The reason that God has me in Ozark, Arkansas on September 6th painting my parents kitchen alone is not because He knows that I am the person for this job. As if He knows that I am spiritually mature enough to sit here, momentarily pulled out from the community that I love, watching my friends move on with their lives (some in the one place that I would give just about anything to be in), trapped inside four walls with no money to my name to get me out. As if God looked upon the Earth for a girl who would have the ability in her to be strong enough to make it through.

Am I the only one who sees a problem here?

Today, sitting in my kitchen, covered in paint, I realized, no, that girl isn't me. I am not the one for this job. I don't have the motivation to get up everyday and put on joy like a garment. I don't have the strength to walk in my identity today. I don't really feel like serving, loving, sacrificing. It isn't my priority if left to my strength, desires, dreams.

Today, I remember that I am human. Today, I look in the mirror at the same familiar face, and remember that I am weak. That I am in no way capable of running with endurance the race that has been marked out for me, if I am running on my own energy supply. Today, I laugh at my self-sustaining mindset that if I feel depressed, lonely, tired, beat-down, it is because God knows that I am strong.

Let's set the record straight, hey? Let's be real enough about God to know that He sees me in all of my disability and knows the weak heart that beats in my chest. I know this. I know who He knows me to be before I put on the identity of His son. There is some idea in my head that I have formed to think that because I have taken on the identity of Jesus that I have taken on the strength to go it alone. Where in the Bible does it tell me that Jesus was independent? Where does He break off from the source of Heaven and become the lone ranger? Who do I think I am to believe that I could possibly go it alone? Because I can't. Today, I can't walk one more moment of this path alone.

That is where my confidence comes from knowing that it cannot possibly be true that God puts his trust in our strength. That is why David told us in Psalm 146 not to put our trust in people who cannot save. Because we are weak, poor. It's in our nature. God trusts in His strength. He has full confidence in Himself, and I truly believe THAT is why He has brought me home for this season. Not because I can handle it; it's exactly the opposite. He knows that I cannot handle it, that I cannot stand firm, that I cannot keep my own head above the waves. I have found myself here on my knees, because here, kneeling at the foot of the cross, more out of weakness than surrender, is exactly where He sustains me. Where my rope ends, His starts. Where my flesh and my heart fail, His feet are firm and sure. He is an anchor. He is secure.

Today, I know that I can because His spirit is strong in me. My feet are firm held by His grace. My armor is securely fastened on by His patience and love. David knew that it was by His God that he could leap over a wall, that He could defeat armies, that He could outrun His enemies. He didn't have to enjoy it, he didn't have to like being pursued by Saul in the wilderness, he didn't have to happily leave his best friend's presence without assurance of ever seeing him again. He wept, he cried out to God, he didn't understand. And yet God was good in the midst of the trial.

And yet God is good in the midst of my trial. No, God, I don't like it. I don't want to be here in my physical location doing the things that I am doing, but I am continually joyful to know that exactly what I asked for from you is coming to fruition. I know that I have asked to grow, and I know that right here is where the growing happens. I know without a doubt that your ability, love, strength, might, will get me through this season. I will live in today, not letting my heart be faint by the thought of tomorrow. I will remember who you are in this moment, and who that allows me to be.

I have not been called to be strong in myself. I have not been appointed by God to be something that He knows I cannot be. I have been brought low, and how sweet it is to be low.

It was from the lion's den that Daniel experienced the power and glory of God. It was from the prison that Joseph was brought into promotion. It was from the altar that Isaac saw the provision of his God. It was from the cross that the veil was torn. It was from the tomb that my salvation has come.

I will rejoice in the place of weakness that I am in, not because I am able to walk through it easily, but because it is here that the arms of the Lord are seen clearly.

"Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9b

"There and back again."

The picture my dad made me come back down the escalator for at the airport.

23 weeks ago I was tearfully pulling together the clothing I wanted to use for the next 6 months, fundraising my brains out, working two jobs, hugging my best friends goodbye, and finally walking away from my parents at the airport, only to have my dad call me back down from the escalator because we had forgotten to take a picture together. I remember taking my second trip up the stairs to security, looking behind me one last time with tears definitely flowing down my face, and thinking "WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?!" The security guard gave me a worried look as I made my way to the front of the line and graciously ushered me through as she could obviously see the emotional state of distress I was swimming in. I made it through relatively easily, and as I sat down at my gate, I was probably instagramming my life and trying to keep the anxious thoughts away. How could an 18 year old girl who had never even used her passport make it to the ends of the Earth? How could this girl, who thought she knew God SO well, possibly spend 6 months trying to understand and share Him? How could THIS girl adventure into the unknown with a God who, in reality, was quite unknown to me?
This is all made possible by a God of ABUNDANTLY more. A God who is not limited by our human conditions, by our lack of money, by our fear of man, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown. A God who meets us in our brokenness and trades in our pile of ashes and shattered attempts for royal robes and precious jewels. A God who is real, who speaks, who loves fiercely, who sees life in different colors than we do.
I want to tell you about how this God has radically ruined my life for the ordinary for the past 5 and a half months.

First week of school

Kaikoura, New Zealand

It all started September 21st, when I walked out of Christchurch International Airport with 2 staff I had never spoken to before, 2 people with their own stories, 2 people of MANY people who would become very dear friends. We arrived at the YWAM Oxford base, after driving on what at the time was the WRONG side of the road, and thinking back on it now, it almost makes me cringe in disgust when I think of the state of insecurity and shame I walked into the property with. I was pulled into a community of other broken Christians, broken children of the Lord who had faced pain, failure, joy, insecurity, shame. Broken people who had been hand picked by my Dad to do life with each other for the next 6 months. Broken people who are all being made new by our Father, who have become a family, who have shared secrets, repentance, tears, countless emotions. Six months ago I never would have thought I would love this family like I do. But 23 weeks of brokenness, redemption, repentance, acceptance, freedom, challenge, community, joy, fun, tears, hilarious moments of laughter will do this to you. If you want to leave your family behind, be a lone wolf, adventure the world on your own, YWAM is not for you, because God created us for community, and YWAM has taken on the challenge pulled together communities of people who are often poor, broken, and always imperfect. The thing is, there is a God, a Father, a Leader who has brought us together and covered us all in grace, and He has made us into a family that it will be very hard to leave. I guess that often happens when you allow God to wreck and ruin you for the ordinary ways of life.

My outreach team at the Love Feast

I went through almost 3 months of life changing transformation. I went on adventures that I will remember for the rest of my life. I listened to the wisdom of the Lord flow from the mouths of our speakers, I invested my life in something much greater than me. But mostly, I was broken. No, the Joanna that I let the world create was shattered, and then my REAL creator, my Redeemer, my Jesus picked up all of the messy pieces and began putting them back in order. He spent agonizing time on my frame, on my mind, on my heart. He used the words of His children to speak identity into my being, and He used to the truth of His LIVING Word to bring meaning into my life. He didn't make me into a small side project. He kidnapped me from my family, my friends, my bubble, my mentality. He interrupted my pattern, He turned off repeat. He said come, and I came. His feet were standing on the wave tossed ocean, His hands were outstretched towards me. I was comfortable in the boat, it was easy living in the same conditions that I had always lived in, but Jesus refused to be satisfied. He said come,

and I came.

For whatever reason. And He met me in the waters. In the moments when my faith failed, when I began to swim through the stormy sea, when I waved my arms in desperation, when I exclaimed, "I CAN'T. I CAN'T MAKE IT. I CAN'T DO IT," He gripped me, He pulled me, He carried me. And one way or another, I made it through the most intense 3 months of my life, and I came out with new eyes, new hands, new feet, new skin, new mind, new ears.

Ministry in Cambodia with ICF Church

For 3 months I experienced the culture of Thailand and Cambodia. I walked in the shoes of a foreigner, I did life as a traveler. With 5 other people, I felt the eyes of countless Thai's and Cambodian's watch the six foot tall Westerner on me, I heard "Farang! Farang, I sell for you! Cheap cheap for you!" screamed at me for 11 weeks. There were moments when I was ready to, as my mom would say, throw in the cards, give up, book the next flight home. I remember talking to my parents a week after Christmas, and bawling my eyes out, wishing I could simply sit in front of the fire in my own house, choose whatever article of clothing I wanted, sleep in my own bed, hug my parents goodnight. But instead, I went to sleep in an unfamiliar guesthouse in the middle of Chiang Mai Thailand, in a makeshift bed that was actually just two beds pushed together to accommodate the three girls sleeping in it, and in the morning I pulled the few outfits that I had out of my backpack and I had time with my Father. Because that is what is possible when you know you are loved by this God. By a God who created more than just Ozark, America. Who did more for you than what your little brain can take in. I never understood that Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," applied to more than just miracles. Or maybe everything we do in the will of the Father is just a miracle. Sometimes getting out of bed in the morning to go invest your life in people who can't even understand your language feels like a miracle.

Mae Ai, Thailand

Nariwat and I in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Firmly believing we will see her in Heaven!

Now, I sit on the floor of the dining room at the YWAM base in Oxford, New Zealand. Tonight we will present the videos of our outreaches, share a short testimony, laugh in the funny moments, cry in the sad moments. On Friday, I will graduate and suddenly 6 months will become one more night, and I will fly away. I will arrive at XNA in Fayetteville, Arkansas, I will hug my parents, probably eat Chick-Fil-A, lug my giant bags into my bedroom, sit down on the bed, pick up my cat. I will venture around my hometown saying hello, embracing my sister and brother-in-law and their daughters, screaming at the sight of my best friends. I will go back to Ozark. I can say with confidence, however, that the Joanna you hugged goodbye, sent off to the airport on September 19th, 2013, is not the Joanna that is coming home. That girl had tired eyes, often fake smiles, and a lack of joy. She didn't know who her Father was, she didn't know who she was in the slightest. That girl isn't very happy that this girl is coming home. She isn't looking forward to coming face-to-face with the new creation, but there really isn't any avoiding it, is there? Because the truth is, the emotions of being home will die down. People will stop asking about what it was like. Things will go back to "normal" in the environment. But in the quiet moments with my Lord, in the intimacy with my Father, in the sweet stillness, that is where my heart will be at peace. That is where the battle against the former has been defeated. That is where my new home has been formed, and I can say with confidence that I will guard those moments with everything I am.

I want to say a final thank you to my supporters who financially made it possible for me to go through six months of radical transformation, who sent me into the unknown to meet a God who wanted to make Himself known to His daughter. I am forever thankful that you allowed God to use you, to be a part of something bigger than yourself. It has been the most amazing experience of my entire life.

If you would like to know more about this Discipleship Training School, I would love to set up some sort of coffee date with you. I also will settle for Taco Bell. ;)

Siem Reap, Cambodia

New Years Eve: Chiang Mai, Thailand

I guess in all, I just want you all to know that God has completely wrecked me in the best way. He was present with me through every feeble attempt to satisfy my deep longing for acceptance, He was completely aware of the heartbreak I suffered when I entrusted my heart into people and things that were not made to hold my heart or my devotion. He sat on my bed and wept with me in the times of loneliness, in the times of anger, in the times of hurt. He heard every heart-spoken prayer for forgiveness in my valleys of dark, ugly sin, and in turn He took my dirty hands each time and wiped them clean, made them new. His heart broke as He watched the mess I allowed my life to turn into, but it was never beyond His hand. "He called me out upon the waters, where oceans rise and feet may fail." He just reached out His hand, and all He required was that I took it, and He took me on the journey that has "begun a good work in me," and I am so thankful to be on it still. I am so thankful to serve a God who loves my joy, who loves my passions, because He created me with them. I am so thankful that my Best Friend is coming home with me. I may be leaving many people in the memory of DTS, but the one who has deeply loved me, pursued me, spoken life into me, created me, stood by me, HE is coming home with me, and He will never leave. I have started a life with this Best Friend, and the fact that I have the rest of my days on Earth to spend being loved by Him and loving Him in return is the greatest joy I could ask for.

Be blessed, friends. See you in the Northern Hemisphere.

Joanna McCormick
"God is Gracious."

7 weeks.

7 weeks.
7 weeks since I have laid my feet on American soil.
7 weeks since I have hugged my mom and dad.
7 weeks since I have spoken to my precious nieces and nephew, or laughed with a sister.
7 weeks since I have lived in the mindset of the old Joanna Marie McCormick.

Deep breath. Exhale. Sometimes I feel like I have to remind myself to do that. It feels like the past 7 weeks have gone by in a matter of days. Almost too hard for me to believe that I am far over half way done with the lecture phase of my DTS. Almost impossible to imagine the girl I used to be, but still desperately hard at times to not choose the mindsets I used to live in. New level, new devil - as our speakers have said. Jesus has become so much more to me than I ever imagined He could be, or wanted to be. He has called me out of deep waters, drawn me out of dry deserts, loved me into His presence. It's almost too hard for me to fathom.

Last week our speakers Adam and Shane spoke on the topic of Original Design. Basically this means, teaching us who God made us to be and actually praying over us individually for words from our Father about who we are. Back to basics. Removing all of the wires and bumpers the world has put around us to keep us blocked into a certain perspective and mindset. It was SUCH a blessing.
I won't go into HUGE detail about everything that Adam and Shane spoke over me, but I will highlight a few things to go into.
- They really pinpointed healing hands that God gave to me. I don't know if this necessarily means the gift of healing, but I think a big part of it is the way I love to speak healing words and truth into people. They spoke about how the enemy came at a young age to shame and slap my hands away, but in this time Father is putting His healing hands over mine. I never really realized how past relationships and times in my life have caused me to pull back my hands and stop reaching out, but it was so spot on. Being here has been such a healing time for me to learn how to start speaking into people and letting Father throw the shame the enemy has put into my life out.
- They spoke about how God created me with a personality to rally the next generation and a joyful spirit to make others feel welcome. God has really been pouring joy into my heart since I have been here, really explaining to me about the reasons I have certain emotions. It has been so relieving. The pressure is off of me SO much to have to be sorrowful or cry in certain situations when all I feel is joy! I LOVE THE JOY OF THE LORD!! He has embraced me and remade me!

OK, so that is just a tiny taste of what has been happening. I really want to share with y'all the AWESOME weekend I had two weeks ago here in south island New Zealand.

Kingdom weekend. Sounds legit right? It was. Basically, it was Thursday to Sunday, and two of the schools here headed out in groups of two or three with 30 bucks, only to be used to bless others, no food, no place to stay. You had to hitch rides to a certain location, rely on the Lord for food, shelter, etc.
Catherine and David were my two teammates, so on Thursday we headed out. Previously, our group had prayed and felt that the Lord was leading us to head to the top of the south island to a beautiful city called Nelson. It is about a 6 hour drive, more or less, and that's without stopping. So on our first day, we had two hitches, and we made it all of about an hour away to Amberley. A HUGE portion of the time was spent with a beautiful woman named Mandy. She had a huge heart and the most free spirit I have ever encountered. She was very into spiritual healing, getting in tune with your body, stuff like that. She picked us up, and with a huge grin on her face, she told us she was simply out for an adventure and if we would like to join her, she would take us as far as she went. So the three of us hopped in and headed out for a very unexpected afternoon! She took us to a few beaches, just did life with us. At one point at the first beach, she asked me for a song of thanksgiving, as I had my ukelele with me, and we stood on the shore of the pacific ocean as I had the amazing opportunity to sing her one of the songs I have written with Jesus. SO COOL. David was able to share the Gospel with her (YEAH GOD) and she really received. I could probably spend a huge amount of time talking about her, but for lack of time I will just say this: this precious daughter of the most high King was a DELIGHT and an answer to prayer, and I truly hope that she encounters the amazing love of her Father.
After that, our team felt that we were simply supposed to hike, no hitching. So from Amberley our group set out towards... North. Haha, we honestly didn't actually know if we were even going the correct direction. A man stopped on a dirt road ahead of us, who just so happened to know exactly who we were, what we were doing, how much money we had. He had housed a group of YWAMers the year before and has lived in NZ long enough to know that a group of 2 girls and 1 guy were either YWAMers or poor Kiwis. So he picked us up (right across from a field I had had a picture of the day before) and took us on an errand he was running to an elderly couple in the community, which just so happened to be home to one of the first sailors on the Anastasis, YWAM's first missions ship, and the ship my sister was on at one point! AHHH. From there, we went to the man's home, which housed 7 beautiful bilingual children and a delightful mother! They were of German descent and they were seriously HUGE blessings. They fed us AMAZING German bread and we got to cut down a tree at their house the next day with all 7 children. God really does give some AWESOME opportunities in life :)

The next day our team stood in the middle of Amberley and tried hitching for about a half an hour. After a while, Catherine spoke out a prayer that would turn out to be VERY important and hilarious.
"God, we know you have someone for us specifically to ride with, so would you just make them HURRY up!"
About 5 minutes later an Asian couple visiting from Beijing pulled over. The man was a first time driver on the left side of the road(oh my gosh.) but he was excitedly ready to roadtrip with our group the 2.5 hours it would take to drive up the coast to Kiakoura. People, listen. This man, God bless him, was the SLOWEST driver I have ever ridden with. There were points, driving around the tight curves that take you along the coast, that there would be a line of 5 or 6 cars behind us honking, and I would be fairly certain the car was completely stopped! That's where Catherine's hilarious prayer came in. No wonder it took so long for him to drive and pick us up! He was the SLOWEST driver on the planet!
But the REALLY cool part of this was that Catherine was able to share the story from Genesis to Jesus' resurrection with the couple. He admitted that he had heard a version of the story before, but he figured that because it had passed along the generations for so many years that there must have been huge changes made to the story. Catherine and I spent the rest of the trip really speaking into how much God loves us, just really pouring the love of our Father over Him. He told us that was completely new for him!! After the trip he was very interested in YWAM and Catherine gave him her Bible. IT WAS SO SO COOL! GOD IS SO SO COOL. He received it so well and asked us questions. What a divine appointment, eh?
 I could probably go on and on, like when we prayed all day for a big fish dinner and then our hitch home randomly stopped and bought us all an abundance of fish and chips for our dinner, or when we got to sleep in a church when we were completely homeless because of a random bout of obedience in saying no to a manipulative person who tried to get us to come into a bar with him. But honestly this blog post would be entirely too long so you can ask me personally for some really cool God stories.

I guess more than anything, I want you all to know the change that has taken place in me because of my encounter with Father's love. Because of the abundance of His mercy/grace/love/etc. I want you all to know how good my Daddy is. Having a great Earthly dad can change your life, but man, when you encounter the love of a perfect heavenly father, it changes your eternity. I am so thankful to be here and I want you all to know how much it means to have the support of my loving friends and family back home. I deeply treasure my relationships with you and I am so excited to share more stories of God's faithfulness with you soon, because believe me, there are some big ones coming.

Love, Dad.

I guess realizing that for 18 years you knew you had a God who told you He was your father but never really realizing I am not an orphan is a little mind blowing.

I mean, lets be real, I have a heck of a family. My dad rocks on so many levels, my mom is a total superstar, and all 4 sisters just blow me out of the water. I never really thought I needed that Heavenly Dad. "He's only for the orphaned kids. The ones who had really bad dad's and don't understand what it's like to have a good dad." As if I was immune to the disease of this life. As if He was indifferent towards me because I "didn't need Him as bad". WOW.
I didn't get that He actually cared about the heartbreak I had suffered in my life. That He actually hurts for my hurts because He is my Dad. My Father. And that it's ok for me to acknowledge that I have been hurt even though it was different than other wounds people had suffered.

"Ha, Jo, how much of a jerk would you have to be to pretend like you've been wounded. Look at those other kids around you who have suffered cataclysmic pains in their lives. You have NO room to talk."
"Jo, get over yourself. You think you deserve that kind of a friendship from someone? You think it's ok for you to just approach them and think you deserve their love?"
"Well, I'm glad you don't think you're enough Jo, because you aren't. You can't even compete with the other girls out there. Guess you should just accept it because that's how it is."

For some reason, in my eyes these things were just acceptable because I could "get past them on my own". God was "indifferent to the lies satan was spoonfeeding me because I had a good dad who loved me and that was enough." How wrong. Somehow, the hardest part for me to grasp is that I grew up knowing that satan lies in these ways to us all the time. That he is just like that, but I didn't think that the lies he told me were enough to need help overcoming.

Here's the deal. I have been fed lie after lie after lie for so long that, even now that God has exposed those lies and called me out of them, it is still almost overwhelming to think that I was so entangled and that satan had such a hold in my life.
"But God.."

He says I'm enough. He says He doesn't need any talents or works I can offer to make me more worth it. He says Joanna Marie McCormick as she is is enough because Jesus makes me enough. He says when he looks at me, he sees beauty. Actually, let me just tell you what He told me through a song he wrote, through me, for me, and for every girl who has been told by the world that she isn't enough.

Beautiful princess
There was a voice in your life
Told you that everything that you were
Could never measure up
Up to what I see
 
But I'll remember quite clearly
The night you finally realized
Said "Daddy, could you help me?
Could you show me what you see,
Cause everything that I see
is broken."

Oh my daughter
I'm here to wage war on all of the lies
Cause I say that it's just about time you open your eyes

Everything from your head to your toes
The freckles on your nose
I paint even those
The sound of you singing
Your gentle heart beating
It's all what makes you worth it to me

Faith like a child
What a beautiful thing
But somewhere along the way
Somebody told you that you were too much for me

Oh my daughter
I'm here to wage war on all of the lies
Cause now I say that it's just about time you open your eyes

Everything from your head to your toes
The freckles on your nose
I paint even those
The sound of you singing
Your gentle heart beating
It's all what makes you worth it to me

Well, Dad could you show me
Cause I just don't see what you see
Well, darling, it's simple
When I see you I just see me

- I didn't know it, but this Jo, the one the world says needs to be different to be loved, is enough. She is worth it, and she is lovely. Isn't it great? Because that makes you worth it too, if only you'd let your heart be opened to it.

All in.

My dad and I were talking tonight, and he mentioned I should share the first God story that ignited my trip to New Zealand.

One spring night, my friend Amber and I were laying in a bed in my house talking. I had been feeling very discouraged about my future after high school, and I didn't seem to be getting any big florescent signs pointing anywhere at all.
"I just don't know what I'm going to do if YWAM doesn't work out," I said to her, "I just really don't have a peace about college this fall." I had been waiting on a reply for my application to YWAM Oxford New Zealand for several weeks, and I had dead lines for colleges coming up. At the time, I had already told John Brown University that I was unsure if I would be attending their college this fall, and I was running out of time to make a final decision. I remember thinking, I need something, God. Anything.
Two nights later I was standing in Subway, where I work, and they were just about to shut down for the night. One of the girls working, Erica, had previously done a YWAM DTS in Belize.
Side Note:
YWAM stands for Youth With a Mission, and DTS stands for Discipleship Training School. It is basically an organization that trains and sends people with a passion for God into the world to shout His name and share His love. If you want to find out what this is all about, go to www.ywam.org.

Anyway, we were standing in Subway, and my phone sounded the alert that I had just received an email. Now, I only got this sound when an email came to my account that I used solely for applications to college and YWAM. I remember hearing it, and my heart sped up a little. Lord, I need something. I opened the email, and there it was, my acceptance to YWAM Oxford. At first I jumped up and down, screaming at my friend who had previously done YWAM, and both of us freaked out a little.. ok a lot. My next reaction was, oh my lanta, how is this possibly going to happen? At the time both of my parents were out of state. I called them to tell them what had happened. My dad didn't even know I had applied! I guess I really didn't think I was going to get in! haha.

The next day I was sitting in class, and my mind went straight to DTS. Lord, if this is what you have for me, let's do it, but I need a whoooole lot of money and I need a check in the mail when I get home. I need to start this now. I remember getting home from school, and looking at that mailbox and really knowing this was it. I opened the mailbox, and right there was the check I had won for some talent show I got second place in. Not a day sooner, not a day later. That check arrived right on time, and right on time to pay for my first fee: my application fee, which happened to be 50 dollars, the exact amount of my check.

Guys, God is real. From having to go all in and have 2300 dollars to buy a plane ticket and having almost exactly that and enough left over for me to live off of until my next pay check, to needing a pack and being provided with the exact backpack I wanted from my sister, a backpack that had been passed by by customers for months because it didn't fit them right (guess who it happens to fit perfectly??) I don't care what your circumstances are or who you are or how long you've been running from Him. God is absolutely real and He is ready to take you on the ride of your life, if you're willing. It has not been easy waiting on Him. Believe me, I have 2 months until I leave and still somewhere between 3,000 and 5,000 dollars to raise. But as big as that dollar amount is, my God will always be bigger and more powerful. Whatever leap of faith you are so terrified to take, make the choice to throw back the chains of fear and run full speed towards Him. It's eternally worth it, and you might just have a few adventures along the way.

I guess they call this part of life, "Growing Up"

As I was leaving my sister Jen's house a few weeks ago, I was walking out along the driveway to my car. I turned to see that her daughter (my niece) Marin had followed me out. Marin is literally 5 going on 25. She is so smart. SO FUNNY. I turned as I was getting into my little white Honda and yelled out, "Love you!". She turned around and looked at me, said "Love you too, Aunt Jo!". I swear to you in that instant, I almost cried. Haha, as ridiculously dramatic as that sounds, I just began to think that this little girl, who was still inside of her mommy when we moved to Arkansas 5 years ago, was growing up so fast. 5 years have passed by remarkably quickly, and I suddenly had this familiar ache realizing that the 5 years I have had with this girl I had taken so for granted. I have lived in the same town as the little peanut for her whole life, and as it may not devastate her to say goodbye to me in the fall, it will be a real trial for me to face. She is so smart, so tall, so funny, so innocent. 6 months when you are 5 years old means you will develop 10 times the vocabulary, grow 3 feet, start on your career path. Haha, maybe that's only a little dramatic. But still, here I am standing in Jen's driveway and this flood of emotions comes on me and I realize that all I can do is lay them in the Lords hands and remember that it is HE who is guiding me on my journey to New Zealand this fall, and it is HE who has planned my life.

As the summer has gone on, I have begun to realize how many endings have passed or are quickly approaching. I know this is the cliche that everyone must be so tired of, but honestly, HOW could it have already been over 10 years since I was first a camper at Camp Barakel? How could it have been 5 years since I stepped out of the moving truck that held countless years of Michigan memories, which were then ending to start a whole new chapter of Arkansas stories? How could I be this girl now, a girl with 18 years worth of memories and challenges and achievements? I guess you could say this is a typical post-graduate blog, but I just can't help but reminisce for a moment.

I remember being a staff-kid at Camp Barakel, sitting at the tables in the East Side Dining Hall, passing Hannah Ford a note I had put meticulous artistic work into with a very memorable phrase written on the inside. "Will you be my best friend?" it read. How blessed I have been these 18 years that every trial and tear and laugh and joy we have been through, we have gone through together. But how could I forget my first soccer practice with Hannah's younger sister, Natalie, who little did I know would become one of the dearest people in the world to me. Or dressing up poor Daniel Douglas in the only clothes my family of sisters ever had for dress-up: dresses. He was always a trooper and amazingly did not hold those days of dress up against us, and decided to become such a partner in crime to Hannah, Natalie, and I. I will never forget watching my sisters pack up their belongings and haul it into camp for the summer to become technicians, always planning with excitement the day that would come when I got to take their place and back up my stuff into the back of Dad's patchwork of a pickup truck, the Beast, and move into camp for the summer, only to find out that God's plan is not always our plan. I traded summers of Teching in camp for long, hilarious nights with my Arkansas friends, Church camp with some of the best friends I can imagine, long, hot drives to Michigan for a few weeks of the old life, and always the first days of school in August at Ozark High School. And as much as I would have said 5 years ago that I would have given anything to spend those summers at camp, God knew where he was putting me, and he gave me some of the best memories a girl can ask for while I have been down here in Arkansas. I have been blessed beyond anything I deserve, from the times Amber Hicks and I would fly around Ozark on our bikes all summer long, the times Vinci Chan and I have wanted to keel over during our crossfit class, the times I laughed so hard that I cried while riding on the band bus after football games, the times I have been privileged to lead worship at my church, or the times I wanted so badly to make that shot in basketball. I have been blessed beyond reason.

The summer will pass quickly, and before I know it I will be on a plane headed for New Zealand. What an unexpected adventure the Lord has placed before me, and what a joy it will be to turn the page in my life and take another step. I guess you could say it's all bittersweet. This fall we will say goodbye to my sister and her family as they embark on a journey to England with the Lord for 3 years. I will watch my niece Marin blow out the candles on her 4th year and say hello to 5, Ava will turn 4, June will turn 3, and Sadie and William will be 1. How blessed I am to be an aunt to so many little peanuts. :)

I am so thankful to you all for the way you have encouraged my trip to New Zealand. I couldn't be more excited. You all have played such important roles in God's plan for my future.

Since I obviously can't end this with some corny goodbye, as I have to save those for September, I can end it with a verse, which will always make an appropriate ending. I will hold this verse as a promise from my Savior, that though it will never be easy for me to say goodbye to people and places, He is powerful and will accomplish infinitely more in my feeble, unimpressive life than I could ever imagine.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." - Ephesians 3:20

Fearless

Can you believe it's already almost 2013?! We made it through 12/21/12. Imagine that one.

So looking back on 2012, I can almost say that I have a little satisfaction with my year. So much has happened. Got accepted to my first choice college. Got my first car. Started a new job. Flew in an airplane alone.
In 2012, my team mate and friend Candace went to be with our Savior. Hard as that experience has been for a lot of us, I want to share with you how it has taught me.
For about a month after it happened, I didn't even want to leave the house for fear of coming home and something having happened to my family. It terrified me. I'm still dealing with that problem. But after a while, I don't really know when, I decided something. I decided that in 2012 I wanted to face my fears. Candace was fearless, I swear. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind. Wasn't afraid to try anything. And it inspired me. I am a pretty fearful person. I don't like facing fears, don't like stepping out of my comfort zone. But this year, I really did. For the first time.
First of all, I gave blood. I am TERRIFIED of giving blood. Something about it just makes me CRAZY. It always has. But I couldn't be happier that I did, and I got the shirt to prove it ;) Not only that but I plan on doing it again this spring.
Then, I asked my own prom date to prom. Haha, that's kind of an embarrassing one to admit, but I did it and prom was a lot of fun and I'm so glad that I did.
Next, I rode a roller coaster for the first time and it was so much fun. SO MUCH. I screamed the whole time but it was the best, and I kept on riding them. I'm a roller coaster junkie now. ;)
This summer I rode an airplane by myself. That was a big step for me. First of all, it involved leaving Arkansas and leaving my family for 3 weeks to go to Michigan, which in itself terrified me, because at that time I hadn't left them for that long since Candace had passed. It was incredibly difficult, but man God is great and he taught me a lot through it. To get home, I had to ride an airplane on standby by myself. Now, if any of you have ever flown on standby, you know how touch and go it is. There is never a guarantee that you will get a seat, and man, I sure will have stories about that to tell my kids :). On my last leg of the trip I got stuck in St. Louis for 9 hours watching my flights go by until finally, on the last flight of the day, I got on. However, during the day I was sitting at a table after I had had a pity party and cried for an hour because I wanted to be home so badly, and my friend Amber had been waiting to pick me up in Little Rock all day for me. I was just sitting there reading my bible when a man came and sat down with me while he waited for his flight. Seriously, he was the most precious old man. We talked about God for about an hour, talked about life. It was fantastic. He even added me to his prayer list. :) He was such a sweetheart, and I will NEVER forget that trip.
Another fear was probably the biggest of this year. I went on a mission trip to Dallas, and while on the trip, the Lord convicted me that I needed to quit basketball. That was the thing I was most terrified to do. I knew people wouldn't understand. I was scared that I would just go back to being that loser girl. I was so scared. But because of my God's sweet faithfulness, He gave me the grace to give it up. It's still something I struggle with, but I am so glad that I listened.
Haha, this one is a little goofy, but it still happened! When school was about to start, I heard that my school's band needed another bass drummer. Haha, our band director is kind of terrifying before ya know him, and I had NEVER played a drum. But I figured, what the hey, and I joined. It has been so much fun. I've gotten to spend the year with my best friends and it's been so hilariously fun.
On of my biggest fears of all time was singing in front of people. I faced this fear twice this year.
The first time was when I sang the national anthem at a basketball game on senior night. Man, I was shaking for that night. Then I sang two songs at the choir variety show. You talk about nervous. I basically forgot how to breathe for a few minutes, haha.

Some of the other things I did this year were smaller or whatever, but to me, they were like overcoming the world. I am so glad that I chose to live without fear this year. Obviously, there are still things that I wish I would have done, but I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to do this. No matter if something or someone inspires you to do this for a year, I would seriously encourage you to do it. Face every fear you can and just live. I have so many new memories because I chose to not let my fear dominate my life anymore. Whoever you are, whatever you're scared of, face it. It frees your spirit.
Go skydiving.
Forgive someone.
Learn how to surf.
Join a club.
Tell everyone you love that you love them.
Visit another country.
Take a roadtrip.
Be proud of yourself.
Trust God with you're life, guys. Put it in His hands and get ready for the ride of your life.
Candace, thank you for being fearless. Thanks for being real always. I miss you.
"Being fearless isn't being 100% unafraid. It's being completely terrified and jumping anyway."
Happy new year, everyone.